Transformers Rise of the Fallen Review: 4/10
So I’m gonna do something different this week… I’m gonna review a movie <GASP>. Don’t get too excited, I got a free pass to see Transformers on Monday. I’m also gonna do something equally as different by not actually wasting time writing out a review. I’m going to give it to you in the form of a conversation I’ve had with a good friend of mine, Nevil Stephens from www.sesums.com. I honestly don’t think I could have crafted something this true or accurate if my life depended on it. Nevil’s responses to my rant sum up this Chevy commercial, um, Megan Fox jerkfest, um, film perfectly. Kudos to IGN.com as well for a very accurate review of this less-than-awesome movie.
Shavest says:
Did you read IGN’s review of Transformers 2 (movie)?
Friend says:
No.. but read about 4 on AICN - just raping it
Shavest says:
IGN’s is pretty much bang on
Friend says:
I heard about those twin robots with the big eyes and gold teeth. The’yre sayin’ it’s racist.
Shavest says:
Man, my jaw dropped. It’s so bad.
Friend says:
And they don’t know how to read?
Shavest says:
It’s SO BAD.
They don’t know how to read, they have gangsta accents.
And Bay made them dumber than shit.
Friend says:
We’re doomed as a people.
Shavest says:
Bug eyed, big nosed, gold teeth. Have I mentioned it’s reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally bad?
Friend says:
Bay sucks.
Shavest says:
It was so bad, we were trying to see if there was something we missed.
Friend says:
Does one of the jets fart?
Shavest says:
No, a jet doesn’t fart. A mini-deceptacon does tho.
IGN did a perfect summary of this movie: In order to compensate for these shortcomings and turn a two-star story into a three-star spectacle, Bay falls back on his abilities to bombard the viewers’ senses and pack enough adrenaline-pumping action and eye candy into one movie to give fans the popcorn flick value of several. The action sequences in the sequel are superior to those in the first film; the fight between Optimus, Megatron and his cronies in the woods is a beauty (especially when seen in IMAX), even if its payoff lacks emotional punch. The climactic battle royale at the ancient Egyptian pyramids will give fanboys a 45 minute nerdgasm.
Friend says:
And devestator has balls?
Shavest says:
Yes. Brass balls.
Oh, and then she (i.e. the slut who apparently can’t act in anything less than slow motion with a breeze blowing a) up her skirt or b) through her hair) captures one of the mini-deceptacons and she magically turns it into her ‘pet’. Like a superior race is gonna be her fucking poodle.
It’s so gay man.
Just turn the sound off when you watch it.
Friend says:
haha
Shavest says:
Actually, the more I think about it, the worse the movie is.
And, I won’t spoil anything, but the last devestator scene is incomprehensible. Have you read about it?
Friend says:
Not about that scene specifically.
Shavest says:
Do you want me to ruin it?
Friend says:
I don’t care, I’ve decided not to go.
Shavest says:
That fag ex-agent from the first movie calls a goddam naval commander from a walkie talkie and tells him to use ‘a top secret’ RAIL GUN. And this dude just trusts him…
…and blows the fuck out of Devestator from the middle of the Atlantic.
In one shot.
Dead.
Like why the fuck haven’t they used this weapon before with both power AND precision accuracy?!
Friend says:
Good writing.
Shavest says:
In the first one, the ‘weight’ (actual weight) of the Transformers is what made it so awesome, they were understandable.
Friend says:
I still wished they pulled the camera back (for the fight scenes in the first one).
Shavest says:
This one… devastator is walking up a pyramid like he’s made of Styrofoam.
It’s gay.
Now I’m angry.
Oh, and my biggest complaint is Bumbebee.
He’s a fag pussy for 98% of his showing and then all of a sudden, Shia la Douche tells him to ‘kill them’ and he turns into a ravaging fucking menace and just goes maniac which was the coolest 2 minutes of the entire movie.
So there’s my true Shave-Review.
Friend says:
Sigh.
Shavest says:
Michael Bay should not be allowed to work on anything ever again, it’s sad.
Friend says:
Talk about creating entertainment for the lowest common denominator.
Shavest says:
Ya what a waste of a stellar property. I’m glad Burton snagged Alice.
6,147 Responses to “Transformers Rise of the Fallen Review: 4/10”
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